You're setting boundaries wrong, do this instead

& a trip to the orchard

Hello friends!

I wanted to spend a little time today talking about boundaries. It’s a term tossed around a lot but often misunderstood and applied incorrectly.

While I do want to address how to set better boundaries – I also want to acknowledge that we’ve entered an era where therapy-speak and “setting boundaries” is often weaponized. What we sometimes refer to as boundaries is actually just selfishness.

Yes, boundaries are about creating healthy, respectful, trustworthy, and safe relationships but we still need to acknowledge that we have a responsibility to one another.

So let’s first talk about what boundaries are. Boundaries are not rules. They are not demands. They are not ultimatums. Boundaries are about our actions, not other people’s.

Maybe that means not answering your boss’s phone calls after 5pm. Maybe that means not giving your mother a key to your house. Maybe that means leaving a party early to get some rest.

What it doesn’t mean is asking your mother not to arrive at your home unannounced. That is just a request, not a boundary. A boundary is what you will do when she ultimately ignores your request e.g. not answering the door.

What it also doesn’t mean is doing whatever you want just because it serves you. It doesn’t mean refusing to be generous. It doesn’t mean not doing something just because it’s inconvenient or because you don’t want to. Now it doesn’t mean you should do things you don’t want to do but boundaries should serve a purpose.

Boundaries aren’t just about our wants, but about our values and what we need to feel loved and safe.

Boundaries require both communication and enforcement. You must tell your boss that you are not available after 5pm and you must also not respond if the calls after 5pm roll in.

People can’t respect a boundary you never set and people won’t respect boundaries you don’t enforce.

And people who can’t or won’t respect your boundaries probably shouldn’t have much access to you. But of course it’s not that simple. We all have parents. And some relationships almost seem designed to test our boundaries.

Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re someone who struggles with boundaries. Unfortunately, boundaries aren’t very fun. Setting them can be uncomfortable, maintaining them can lead to guilt, and giving in can lead to resentment.

The best place to start setting boundaries is with yourself. Take some time to reflect on your own limitations. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, even financial, and it’s important to have self-awareness on where you are comfortable and where you are not.

These may change between relationships and may even change with time – the nice thing is your boundaries aren’t fixed, you get to decide them, they’re yours.

But in our quest for establishing better boundaries, we still have to remember that a) people are just people and b) sometimes life requires more from us.

I think someone needs to say that it’s okay to want to please people. It’s okay to help people, it’s okay to show up for people, it’s okay to care about other people, it’s even okay to overextend yourself for people; setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish, it’s about not people-pleasing at your own expense.

Boundaries are about self-protection. By all means you should say “no” for whatever the reason may be but it is actually okay to do something just because it makes someone else happy – as long as the cost isn’t your own well-being.

✨ Thought-provoking

How To Set Boundaries (When It Doesn’t Come Naturally)

• This guide to setting boundaries if you struggle with people-pleasing.

Understanding What Boundaries Really Are

• This resource for getting to the heart of what a boundary actually is and is not.

Learning To Deal With The Hardest Part Of Boundaries

• This article for how to let people down with grace.

The Dark Side Of Boundaries

• This reminder that boundaries are powerful but not always good or healthy.

The Danger of Weaponizing Our Personal Boundaries

This article for a better understanding of why boundaries are contextual and often fluid.

Mark Manson’s Guide to Boundaries

• This run-down on boundaries for an article that tells it like it is.

What’s your best tip for setting (and maintaining) boundaries?

My tip: Early in my career and still to this day I ask for support from mentors and supervisors in saying “no,” especially in situations where I have less power. For my friends, I often offer myself up as the “bad guy” so the heat can flow to me instead of them.

What I’m Up To

Butler’s Orchard

• Made my annual pilgrimage to Butler’s Orchard but switched things up this year and took home a whole apple pie from the country store instead of my usual apple cider donuts.

Apple cider donuts? Yay or nay? Every year I can’t decide if I like them or just like the tradition.

What Has My Attention

The Husbands

• Recently joined a local library book club and had a blast reading and discussing The Husbands.

• My thoughts: The book perfectly captures the dangers of swiping and dating with an over-abundance of choice.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Returns!

• I shamelessly enjoyed this year’s VS Fashion Show. They brought back the classic VS vibes – the blowouts, the nonsensical outfits, the crazy wings, and all the beloved OG angels. Plus the performances were amazing, especially this one from Karol G.

• Last year’s show felt too serious and the unseriousness of the VS Fashion Show is what has always made it so fun. This clip lives rent free in my brain as an example.

Lifestyle

Ethically-Made Chocolate

I am a dark chocolate lover and want to be more intentional about where I source my chocolate. At Butler’s Orchard, I found this innovative cheddar and apple milk chocolate bar from Vosges Haut, a fair-trade, women-founded brand that is also listed on the Slave Free Chocolate website. I'm excited to try their equally unique dark chocolate bar flavors.

Milk chocolate or dark? What are our favorite brands?

Squash Ravioli

• Made a delectable dinner with squash-filled ravioli (using the Rana brand), squash pasta sauce (thank you Butler’s Orchard!), and a sun-dried tomato pesto (from Aldi!) mixed with some spinach and a sprinkle of parmesan. The perfect fall dinner.

What’s on your fall menu?

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That’s all for now! Remember, what you water grows — see you next time!

—Naria

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For personal and professional development coaching with Naria, please visit nariawillis.com or email Naria at naria@nariawillis.com.